Friday, March 09, 2007

Hooray for Polytheism

My elk brethren are godless souls who graze greenery and suckle fresh air with nary a thank-you to the mighty heavens above. I, myself, was a selfish parasite living off the glory of the woods. But now, here in the non-woods, I’ve discovered there are many glorious gods to kneel before. My ignorance has been enlightened by the exclamations of reverence I hear from those all around me. The gods, holy be thee, are the following:

Oh My God, who appears to be among the most powerful of the band of almighty. I suspect Oh My God is a matriarch, as I most often hear Her name called by young women masked in makeup and expensive outerwear, either giving thanks for wondrous things, like handsome shoes, or in prayer to save them from evil perils, like mud and broken fingernails.

God Damn It, who seems to be the omnipotent patriarch of the heavens. God Damn It is prayed to by both men and women, and appears to be the one whose mercy is called upon most often. I’ve subscribed to the Church of God Damn It, often calling His name for help when the line at the place where food is purchased is too long, or when a foul-smelling creature approaches me on the street in search of a quarter. Also, I once invoked His name when a bird pilfered one of my twig antlers. If I should ever find that bird, I pray he too has a god to cry out to. May his wings carry him to a fiery nest in hell. To date, God Damn It has yet to answer my prayers, but I keep the faith.

God Speed, clearly one of the lesser gods, as I only rarely hear His name. However, his speed intrigues me, and I’ve often pondered whether he is the god responsible for creating cheetahs. I recall one of the spotted demons who ran down an elk cousin and feasted on his entrails without saying grace first. This is a god wearing the devil’s horns.

God Bless, who is apparently going through divine hazing. I most often hear His name in regards to the release of gooey nose matter, which seems to be some sort of cruel joke, like when I neutered that gazelle. Though I am uncertain why anyone would thank this god for nasal slime. I hypothesize this a young god working his way up, and prone to having his lunch money stolen.

In my learnings I have also discovered the lord’s name shall not be uttered in vain. He hath commanded it. Praise God Damn It!