Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Why Are My Boogers Blessed?

Yesterday I was trotting down the street when I suddenly sneezed. A handsome woman nearby heard the burst from my nose and said, “Bless you!” I asked her if she was a clergywoman in a church or synagogue and she said she wasn’t. Then she crossed the street. I was left pondering why I had been blessed for my sneeze. Elk seldom bless each other.

With the woman long gone, I turned to a man standing against the wall with a sign about not having a home or something and asked him about the blessing. He muttered an unintelligible response which was of no help and he smelled foul, like a day-old carcass in the sun. So I left to seek my answer elsewhere.

I stumbled upon an elementary school and entered their computer machine lab so I could ask a computer machine my question. A class was in session and several children asked me why I was wearing antlers. I answered them and then asked the teacher if she knew about the blessing. The teacher, who looked old and feeble, explained that in ancient times the phrase was intended to protect the soul from demons entering the body or to protect the soul from leaving the body. The security man escorting me out said that was probably true.

Today I wondered if the same theory held true when gases and air were blown through other orifices. So I returned to the same spot of the sneeze yesterday and farted loudly. It was certainly heard by the many people nearby, but no one blessed me. I did get a few dirty looks though. Very puzzling. I guess hellish creatures never came out of the ass.

People today aren’t concerned with soul or demons, this blessing tradition is merely a way to acknowledge others in a polite manner. But the same does not hold true for a fart. A fart is regarded as a lesser bodily function I suppose. Yet the fart only makes noise and smells. A sneeze also makes noise and can actually spurt yucky nose stuff onto others, endangering them with horrific germs. A fart does not emit such gooey matter. All things considered, it’s much more friendly toward others.

I’ve decided I don’t care about not being blessed after a fart. I think I ought to be thanked.


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