Friday, April 29, 2005

Interview With an Enraged Youth in an XXXXXL Shirt

Society is full of people wearing shirts and pants. The former cover the top parts and the latter the bottom parts. Both serve a dual purpose of keeping the body warm and expressing a fashion sense. Very clever.

But one fashion sense I’m perplexed by is the XXXXXL shirt. I’ve noticed many male youths wearing them, but none stand tall enough to require such a size. The shirts go down to the knees, almost like a dress. I thought perhaps this was the boys’ way of showing their feminine side, because they were embarrassed to wear a pretty dress. I remember when I first tried on a slinky black dress (that showed off more than a little leg). I was mocked and stared at repeatedly throughout the day. I soon learned the sexy garments were only for women.

To test my dress theory, I stopped a hooligan wearing a long, red shirt and baggy pants to ask him about his choice of clothing. Our conversation went something like this:

ME: Hello. I was raised by elk in the woods and I don’t understand why your shirt is so long. Is it meant to be like a dress?

HIM: What happened? Whatchoo want bitch?!?

ME: What happened was I asked if your shirt was meant to be like a dress. Do you want to look like a pretty girl?

HIM: (Waving his arms around like the wings of a startled bird) Aw shit! This freaky muthafucka’s ‘bout to get his ass kicked yo!

ME: Pardon?

HIM: A’ight, lissen you antler-wearin’ muthafucka, I ain’t tryin’ to look like no girl, you punk-ass bitch. I be wearin’ this long shirt because it covers my ass so I can wear my pants down low. That okay with you “elk boy”?

ME: Yes, it’s perfectly fine with me. I’m used to being around a bunch of naked elk, so this is all new to me.

HIM: Da fuck you talkin’ about?!?

ME: But why do you wear your pants so low? I wear mine at my waist. That way my pants cover my butt and my shirt doesn’t necessarily have to.

HIM: You about to have a foot up yo’ ass. How’s that for coverin’ yo butt?

ME: The pants do just fine, thank you.

HIM: See, it’s like this, I wear the pants low because, uh, shit. Man, fuck you!

Then he walked off looking angry and shoved an old man who was slowly walking nearby. I still don’t understand the long shirt. Strangely enough, I don’t think the people wearing them understand it either.


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