Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Are elevators purely mechanical or simply dim-witted creatures?

I came upon something in a building yesterday that was some sort of amazing people transporter with delightful music playing lightly in the background. A nicely dressed female informed me it was an “elevator” and then her eyes rolled in a funny way. She smelled pretty. The only way elk can reach higher ground is by walking. Sometimes it gets tiring. And when it rains the ground gets slippery so I always use caution.

This elevator machine worked by simply pushing buttons indicating “up” or “down” and the available floor numbers one could reach. Pushing it once caused the button to light up like a firefly. This was a lot of fun to do.

But what really struck me was that people would enter the elevator with people already inside, see a button lit up, then press it again. Or in some cases a person would push the button multiple times, usually quickly. These people were usually dressed in suits and ties and held little machines called Blackberries close to their faces. I think the Blackberries may be poisonous.

Did these people believe the elevator had a consciousness and would react quicker to its buttons being pushed faster or more frequently? Perhaps they believed the elevators were dumb and needed extra encouragement. Like an obese woman stuck to her couch.

I asked one of the suited, silver-haired males about his actions. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Excuse me, why did you push that button three times?

Him: Huh?

Me: Doesn’t the elevator respond after just one button pressing?

Him: Who the hell are you?

Me: I’m new here.

Him: Why the hell are you wearing twigs on your head?

Me: Oh, these? They’re my prosthetic antlers. See, I was raised by elk and I’ve never been able to grow my own antlers. So I created my own from trees.

Him: How lovely. I’ll let security know.

Then he got off at the 14th floor. I kept riding upward, closer to the sky. Then a man in a blue uniform got on the elevator and chained my hands together behind my back. It was really uncomfortable. We went downtown which was neat because I’d never been there. There were lots of mean-looking people there. They reminded me of wild boars. Dangerous, ugly, and smelly. I explained the elevator situation to the bluish man and he agreed there was no need to push the button multiple times. Then he complimented my antlers. I thanked him, but told him I don’t swing that way.


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